im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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