watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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