if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
