i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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