Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
