The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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