I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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