nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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