My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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