I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
