Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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