Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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