I just threw up on my dentist
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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