I seem to have left my pride at pride
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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