We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
