idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize