Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
