Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
