the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
