I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
be right there i have to get my cape
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
