"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Randomize
