I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
