and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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