I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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