this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
