I murdered the dance floor call the cops
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize