I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
