i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
