We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
