i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
