I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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