All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
