All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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