I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
