im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
