If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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