I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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