A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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