I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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