Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
All I want is dick and wine.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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