please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
