OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Randomize
