Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
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