also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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