oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
