3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
