thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
