i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
