that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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