I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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