The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
