'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
