I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
