Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
