Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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