Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
