We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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