the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
