When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
