also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
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