Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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